I had a sort of dream last night in which I was having a conversation, but it was more that the other person was asking questions and I was answering them.
In it, I figured out that I was still in pain from my first relationship not because I miss the person, but because I loved freely. No holding back, no reservations. An unfettered heart.
I felt that feeling once after all the hurt and whatnot of that first relationship. It was three days I spent in this elevated state of perception, the three most glorious days of this entire lifetime that showed me how else we could live. I loved all, because it was all God, or whatever you want to call it.
It was me with a shining sun for a heart, beaming. It was the most myself I could ever be, and I wanted to stay that way. It was also right when my partner was returning from his study abroad, and I was afraid he wouldn't be able to accept me in this state, so I lost it.
And for a moment, last night, in a dreamy in-between, the sun was my heart again. I actually have a great deal of love--scratch that--I am a great deal of love, and I don't need a specific outlet for it.
I tend to shut myself off and look away because people are so demanding of my energy and I feel like I don't have anything left to give, but it's still there. I'm still alive inside. There is still at least a spark. There is still a light to hold against the darkness.