Saturday, May 3, 2014

In Which I am Vaguely Empty

I am pretty sure... of nothing. 

Generally it's a good starting point, but I have undergone this almost catastrophic loss of what I suppose we could call faith.

I don't really feel as though there is a point in doing anything.  I mean, I work so I can pay bills and have a roof over my head, but the only things I really get into are escapes.

Video games, movie marathons, not even much reading or writing.  I don't think I'm special anymore, and the person I pretend to be languishes. 

Do people really make it through their entire lives in this state of ignorance that is so profound it is crippling to me?  I suppose so.

Here we are, coming up on thirty one, and I'm alive--whatever good that does me--and I haven't stopped being, as far as I know, except for that rough third of a day where I forget everything entirely, even consciousness.  And I am completely lost.

I understand why people look for things to believe in--and I have had too many experiences beyond the material to consider the possibility that the material is what really exists--and I think a great many things about the state of existence, but I am stuck on what it means.

What difference does it make?  What does it matter?  What does it mean?

The first time I watched the double rainbow video, I cried a little.  I laughed too, when it got beyond me, but I totally "get" the question.  What does it mean?

We assign importance to experiences in our lives, and by far, the most meaningful, the most important, and the most life affirming experiences I had were all years ago, when I believed I had a role to play in the world.

It's easy to imagine myself as some author of some books, be it fantasy or metaphysics, making a living, absorbed in the reality I was describing.  Whether it's real or not isn't really the issue as much as "does it matter?"

But I want both. I want truth and meaning.  I want my stomach's nausea and my moving across the country to be meaningful.  I want messages from inter-dimensional guardians encrypted into everything I see.  I want to feel loved and guided because I feel blind and alone.

I am like everyone else, but I can't accept things that don't make sense or concepts that are so ill fitting with my experiences that it would be delusional to attempt to subscribe to them. 

So here I am, existing and adrift.