Looking at rent prices in the cities where the schools I want to attend are leaves me feeling terribly, horribly, bitterly defeated.
I mean, there's seriously no longer a point in even -trying- for further academic studies. Leave that for people who aren't five years' salary in debt from an "education" that only serves to make people shake their heads in disbelief and say those awful words that I hear waaaay too often, "what are you doing here?"
Doing what I can to keep the government from filing charges, garnishing my wages, and utterly destroying my credit rating? Trying not to think about the predicament I've gotten into from trying to follow my dreams and attempting to remain free from the trap of giving up and giving in and "settling" for everything I don't even remotely want?
Seriously? Screw it. All of it, because there's no fixing this. I don't see a way out except hope some hierarchical superior looks down at my life's work and grants me some measure of grace. And screw that too, because that is a cruelly broken, carrot-dangling way of doing things.
"Keep trying. Keep trying. Keep spending years of your precious short life waiting for someone else to validate your worthiness and judge you worthy of earning a livelihood." Why? Just... why?
I had a customer tell me I should be a chief instead of just another Indian. Know what, dude? Fuck your metaphor, fuck your concept, and fuck you too. What you really mean is that I should climb across others in attempt to elevate myself above them. Lead, don't rule. The moment you attempt to rule, you become something reprehensible.
People looking down on others fall as soon as the people supporting them step away. That's not power. That's not authority. That's a system for keeping children in line, a nestled system pervading every aspect of our lives, from the way we govern ourselves to our beliefs about reality and the planet. It's time to be self-responsible grown ups who can stand on our own, beside each other, and leave behind a world of childish models of living.
There -is- a better way to exist, even in this delusional, broken society. I'm going to find it, and I'm writing my way out of this pit.
I am terrified of being trapped, terrified of becoming a self medicating muggle who just spends time to get through it, who doesn't see the point in doing much of anything because there's nothing to do that can truly make a difference. I think I'm only afraid of giving up because so much of me already has.
Has your heart ever ached so powerfully you can feel it in your fingertips? That's despair. That's your heart breaking.
Don't let go of the things keeping it together. Just don't let go.