In Which I Consider a Few Things

Okay, so I have been in a total state of "nope, just don't care" about... well, everything.  Except writing, and I sort of need to get over that. 

There are a lot of things I'd like to address, especially if I still have to live for another thirty years or so:

1. Not sitting or lying on the floor all the time has stiffened my limbs.  I might get a rug and move my main spot to the floor rather than the futon.  It's ridiculous how much less flexible my back and legs are.

2. Not having constant access to a kitchen sink impacts my eating habits tremendously.  I don't want to use a blender or my juicer at all if I can't immediately rinse them out, and I don't want to wash them in the bathtub or in a mysteriously full sink, no matter how many dishes are done and put away. Understandable, but I need to not be a lazy ass and be mindful about foodstuffs again.

3. Cigarette smoke bothers me more than I realized.  I thought I'd be visiting my aunt all the time when I moved back, but sometimes two weeks will go by without me going over there, and she only lives right next door.

4. I need a lot of alone time.  A lot.  Every day.

5. I have a rougher time interacting with people who are expecting something from me personally, be it attention, affirmation or assurance.  I feel like I just don't have it to give, and the demands feel draining. Part of this could be depression too.  People who just enjoy me who I also just enjoy are different. It's just giving happily rather than being drawn from.

6. I don't think I should be in a romantic relationship. Like, at all.  I have warm affection for people, but I don't really feel anything.  I notice that I smile more around some and I seem to be in a better mood, but as far as feelings? 

I can only look to thought patterns to determine how a person is important, because I only seem to experience three modes: glum, not-dancing, and dancing.  I think I love people because I enjoy them and wish for their well-being, but since that all seems ultimately assured, there's nothing to get worked up over.

7. My room is pretty. I'd much prefer to have my own space to do whatever I wished in, no matter who I live with in the future.

8. I have mounting anger issues. I could count on two fingers how many times I'd been angry in my life when I graduated high school.  In the last year, I couldn't count how many times my vision went white and I felt lightheaded because someone was rude, inconsiderate or just plain awful for no sensible reason. 

Retail is burning me out like an ember on my forehead, and I have to remind myself of what people are so I can get over it and not take myself so seriously.