#WINNING

Our society really values winning.

We create and play games to experience "winning" even though playing means there will be losers.  We put our children into all sorts of competitions, create pyramids of hierarchy within the structure of religion, corporations, schools, oh, everywhere, carry a concept of "better than" and sometimes don't even notice our own scorn towards those beneath. 

And we've extended this concept to life itself.  We imagine ourselves to be the top species on the planet, and if the other life forms can't hold their own against us, too bad. Eat them, kill them, destroy their homes, poison every part of the planet. 

Humans are intelligent creatures who shape their environments to match their preferences so bam, lo and behold, a society where people who have not "won" at the game of physical acquisition are considered "lower class."  Those who don't match the description of the "winners" are treated as "less than." If you play into the game, you seek to work your way up.  And someone still has to lose.

When we look at the position we are in, if we aren't fond of it, it makes sense to dig for the roots that created it instead of stopping at the fruit it has produced. Whatever leadership we have is fruit we grew.  We created the conditions that naturally brought someone who could be the kind of leader we were asking for into office.  We have someone who seeks "winning."  That is our representation. 

We decide our leadership on contests yet the majority of us can't describe the platform our political candidates stand upon because it's the "winning/losing" part that's important to us.  Winning, winning, winning.  Stack the odds.  Rewrite the rules, even. Whatever works.  Oh, is that "unfair"? Boo hoo. Sounds like something a loser would say.  Losers don't matter to winners.  They're in their rightful place, after all. Survival of the fittest!  That's the way the world works!  It's human nature!

Yet we are not so small that such impulses are our only drives.  We contain the capability of infinite expressions, so it is also human nature to embrace the weeping, to volunteer after a disaster or during crisis, to give to those who need, to stand in solidarity with our fellow humans.  To protect each other.  To serve.  It is human nature to love much more powerfully than it is to fear.  We learn to erect the walls of fear.

We are so civilized that we have advanced technology and infrastructure, yet we still don't treat others with equal consideration because of a difference in skin color, religion, gender, orientation, nationality.  Hell, some of us blatantly murder those whose existence doesn't fit with what we prefer.  Yes.  We give ourselves the authority to perform atrocities on other beings based on our preferences, and sometimes our preference is to hope someone else will do something because we don't believe we have the power to do anything ourselves.  We're still letting banks put people out of their homes, letting insurance companies refuse treatment to the ill, and very, very commonly put people struggling to survive so far into debt, they exist in a state of indentured servitude they may work all their lives to pay it off.  There are people who pour their life's energy into work that breaks down their bodies while it benefits someone else, people who keep themselves going for those two days off, or work other jobs so they have no days off.  If that's someone's preference, sure.  But if giving so much of one's self has become necessary just to live, goodness, can't we do "better" for each other? 

Who wants to live in an unhappy, unfulfilled society of half-hearted, unequal, unfree souls?  What sort of world is that?  It's one we perpetuate by buying in, by playing the game of division, by believing there is any difference between "us" and "them."  No one has any shadowy unseen authority over you unless you believe they do.  Society is just people.  It doesn't exist without us; it has no structure to hold us in place.  Society is a fabric of relationships between individuals.  This means we are the only ones who can make our choices for ourselves.

So why not choose a game where everyone wins?  Why not make a game out of making life wonderful for each other?  Can you imagine an economy where everyone has money instead of just a few?  Can you imagine a nation/world of clever intelligent humans operating at a level where the basics for survival are taken care of so we can develop our beingness, our creations, our consciousness further?  Imagine the capability of a population that can learn whatever it pleases to without limitation?  Imagine a society that cares enough in their people to invest in THEM and their future?

"Who will work the shite jobs?"  Which jobs are those and more importantly, why are they considered shite?  If they're jobs you wouldn't want to do, isn't it fair to pay someone willing to do them for you?  Aren't you glad you don't have to do them yourself?  Doesn't a grocery clerk deserve to live with the same dignity as their manager?  Doesn't a sanitation worker deserve as much basic human respect as a teacher, a politician, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father?  Oh, how quickly boundaries dissolve with a little "walk in their shoes."

If a structure doesn't work for everyone, it doesn't work.  We have so many more options than the presented visible ones.  I can't say what choice will bring us to the brightest possible reality, because it's up to each of us how we choose to use what we experience, and in darkness we see our own light.  We have had an intensely polarizing year with much darkness coming to light, but are we polarized enough yet to make the ever-important conscious choice between power, fear, or love?

In this moment, what do we choose?  What do you choose?

In Which the False Falls Away

It's interesting that the "real" world values us based on our abilities to appear as unreal as possible.  We are most valued when we are tireless, errorless, emotionless, changeless.  In the "real" world, we are most valued when we are mechanical, when we appear to be not alive.

So we put on fake faces to interact with one another, to appear "professional," to appear to be that which others deem valuable so we can "earn a living."

And every bit of it is built on lies. The "real" world is the most artificial thing there is.

So why bother with it? 

I don't think I'm really all that depressed at all.  I think I've been in between worlds and haven't found my way in any of them.  I'm so tired of doing things that I don't care at all about.  Aren't you?

It's not that nothing matters; it's that none of -this- matters.  There are plenty of other things that do, and that's where I'll be.

The Inexpressible One

Mystics from various traditions describe the same ultimate "source" in much of the same concepts. This example is from the Secret Book of John, but reads like the Dao de Jing, descriptions of the idea of Brahman, or a Buddhist teaching on rigpa.

The Inexpressible One

The One rules all. Nothing has authority over it. 
            It is the God. 
            It is Father of everything, 
                        Holy One
                        The invisible one over everything.
It is uncontaminated
            Pure light no eye can bear to look within.

The One is the Invisible Spirit.
            It is not right to think of it as a God or as like God.
            It is more than just God.

Nothing is above it.
Nothing rules it. 
            Since everything exists within it
                        It does not exist within anything.
            Since it is not dependent on anything
                        It is eternal.

It is absolutely complete and so needs nothing.
It is utterly perfect
Light.

The One is without boundaries
            Nothing exists outside of it to border it
The One cannot be investigated
            Nothing exists apart from it to investigate it
The One cannot be measured
            Nothing exists external to it to measure it

The One cannot be seen
            For no one can envision it
The One is eternal
            For it exists forever
The One is inconceivable 
            For no one can comprehend it
The One is indescribable
            For no one can put any words to it.

The One is infinite light
            Purity
            Holiness
            Stainless,

The One is incomprehensible
            Perfectly free from corruption.
Not “perfect”
Not “blessed”
Not “divine”
But superior to such concepts.
            Neither physical nor unphysical
            Neither immense nor infinitesimal
            It is impossible to specify in quantity or quality
                        For it is beyond knowledge.

The One is not a being among other beings  
            It is vastly superior
                        But it is not “superior.”

It is outside of realms of being and time
            For whatever is within realms of being was created
            And whatever is within time had time allotted to it
The One receives nothing from anything.
            It simply apprehends itself in its own perfect light

The One is majestic. 
            The One is measureless majesty

Chief of all Realms 
            Producing all realms

Light
            Producing light

Life
            Producing life

Blessedness
            Producing blessedness

Knowledge
            Producing knowledge

Good
            Producing goodness

Mercy
            Producing mercy

Generous
            Producing generosity

            [It does not “possess” these things.]

It gives forth light beyond measure, beyond comprehension.

[What can I say?]

His realm is eternal, peaceful, silent, resting, before everything.
He is the head of every realm sustaining each of them through goodness.
 

October 23, 2017; Talking to myself

It astounds me how much has changed in my perspective, how much more I see now, how many things I always took for granted even when I thought I was questioning anything, and I am so grateful to everything that has been a catalyst.  There have been a lot of catalysts.

I am not doing anyone any favors by refusing to acknowledge my personal power.  I don't mean this in the sense of "me" being the Source, being a do-er, being anything at all.

Everything is divine.  I don't know how to express this as fully as I feel it.  We define ourselves by embracing and rejecting.  We create boundaries based on our beliefs about what we wish to express.   It's all divine.  You, with the the temper and dissatisfaction, you are divine.  You, with the million watt smile and the children who adore you even though you put your dreams on hold.   You, who ventured off on your own and left everyone behind wondering what the hell was wrong with you and how you could be so selfish. You are divine. 

You are perfectly expressing this nexus of concepts and ideas, refracting that exact spectrum of light through you to create this divine aspect with your particular name and face and the very song of your energy that is being expressed on the threads that weave the tapestry of the infinite.  There is nothing that could be outside of the Absolute.  No moment that could be beyond it, no circumstance.  We can express that, or not, as we choose.

This is part of stepping into your own power, your ability to affect the world.  This recognition is the moment you begin to co-create our reality.  You can continue to wait for things to happen for you to react to, or you can get up on the horse of time and steer it down the timeline you wish to experience.

I came here thinking I had to try to blend in and go unnoticed.  I might have had a mission to write stories and share them, introduce or develop some ideas or considerations.  But we are past the point where fiction is needed as the vehicle.  People are actively seeking now.  We can all seek together, and build a new future together, and become conscious of what we are.

We have to shine a light into all the shadows of our subconscious, so we can consciously respond for ourselves rather than operate on unconscious knee-jerk reactions.  Otherwise we are running a program rather than creating.

November 3, 2017; Seeing the End of Inauthenticity

It's 2:30 A.M. The moon is almost full.  Personally, I am feeling disheartened, isolated, stuck, and unmoored, with the belief that I have a destination but no compass.  It's the belief in a predetermined destination, in "I should be going there" that is most negatively impacting my well-being.

So many pieces about what we really are and how things could really be keep coming up, and it's so beautiful.  It's so beautiful.  It's changed my perspective of everything, deepening the level at which I sense other people.  I used to think about people on their mental level, overlooking their emotions for the rational truth behind them.   I had teaching moments as a result; I learned, I grew, I recognized in others what it took me too long to see in myself.

Now that I understand that I am moving toward the type of being that I've always wanted.   The pieces are coming together.  The world that I want cannot come from people as they are now.  We cannot fully realize ourselves as one until we feel our connection to one another.  That is something that cannot be dictated, regulated, or enacted into law.  You cannot force someone into unity.

I disregarded the idea that healing was the answer, and in a way, it isn't, because we are infinite and eternal.  We can really lose nothing.  We do, however, deny ourselves over and over and over.  We turn parts of ourselves away because we don't know how to deal with them.  I don't think I really understood this before.  Considering it a preprogrammed, knee jerk reaction rather than a mindful choosing, I was still neglecting the part that allows the programmed, conditioned response to exist in the first place.

Our emotions are communications to us from deeper parts of ourselves.  When we are desensitized (I am very desensitized), we have buried our feeling about something so much that our awareness is programmed to skip over it.  We don't want to feel the horror.  We don't want to feel the betrayal.  We don't want to be afraid or in mourning.  And so, when I hear about the latest tragedy, or some heinous act of senseless violence, I don't register a reaction.  It's par for the course.  It's become normalized.  I'm not afraid, I'm not upset, I'm not affected.  It's not even news anymore.

When I was a kid, I imagined myself in every horrifying situation I saw on T.V.  Many of my earlier memories are not good ones.  I remembered people dying, baby Jessica in the hole, the Challenger explosion, the San Francisco earthquake where the overpass had fallen on the people below, bodies floating in the water after a plane blew up over the ocean, old footage of the Civil Rights movements where fire hoses were turned on people crouched against a building.  There was also the Easter I spent with chicken pox and a raging fever watching (and feeling) Jesus getting nailed to a cross.

And because I just naturally tend to do this, I imagined myself in those situations.  I laid in my bed trying to contort my limbs to match the body floating in the water, imagining what it was like to have my body crushed beneath tons of concrete and cars from the road above, being blown apart, burning as I fell from the sky in pieces.  I'd try to imagine what it was like to have a dead body, to have everything so quiet, no breath, no heartbeat.  I remember trying this while I was still in my carseat.  My heart stopped for a moment (maybe it just skipped a beat, but it certainly felt longer) and I still think about it when I pass that part of the highway.

One night I laid awake in tears because I was asking God to give me all the pain in the world so no one else would have to ever feel it.  I totally believed that God would do as I asked.  I was bracing myself for it.  This perfectly kind feeling came over me, calmly, assuring me that God wouldn't do that to me.  I thought about heaven a lot.  I never believed in hell, not actually.  Not as punishment.  I didn't believe God got angry.  It wasn't the idea of God I had, anyway.  If I could understand other people, certainly God could.

I went to church camp when I was 12 or 13, and they did this passion walk that left most of the kids in tears thinking about what Jesus went through during the Crucifiction.  And then there was me, with the totally numb and desensitized reaction of "are you kidding?  Yeah, it's awful, but there are -way- worse things people have done to each other." 

The world is full of people who want us to be afraid.  We are afraid of being afraid, of being weak, of being emotional.  We bury our emotions.  We don't tell other people our feelings because we've been taught that our feelings don't matter, that we're wrong, that something is wrong with us.  I was having a conversation with a man once, who was in his 70s, and I, this 23 year old kid, was telling him that I was not afraid of anything, and his response was a furrowed, confused brow, and the response, "That scares me."

People's thoughts about things can be mistaken, persuaded to change.  Our feelings about something are instant and true to ourselves.  We deny them, bury them behind masks, layers, and more fear.  We paint over them with a collection of other feelings (perhaps more acceptable ones), concepts, distractions, intellectual reckonings.  We are all hiding ourselves from ourselves.  I know it sounds totally cliché, but I mean it in total seriousness:  I -get- it now.

We see people making fun of the idea of "getting in touch with our emotions" but that's all out of insecurity and fear.  We are hiding from ourselves, layers and layers because we have a genuinely unhealthy way of viewing ourselves, of elevating intellect as superior, of making our feelings only selectively permeable.  It's getting worse.  People wouldn't run around killing other people without trying to escape from their own pain.  People wouldn't get road rage if they could process feeling powerless or being treated as less than human.

I know it's super obvious, and I know it's rote for a lot of people, but I had a relatively good childhood with a Moma I love and who loves me.  I've had a comparatively uneventful life.  I can't imagine how much pain and hurt is being carried around in everyone else.  How can I help people?  This seems like the most obvious problem with the most obvious solution.

October 20, 2017 When I Grow Up, I Want to Be the Universe

When I grow up, I want to be the universe.

I have many ideas about how to go about growing toward this.  I have a natural inclination to be theoretically inclusive, because that erases boundaries and soothes divisions.  In practice, I isolate myself.

People of Earth can be hard to take.  It's a clashing collision of opposites, duality, polarities, gulfs of difference between what is said and consciously accepted and the way things actually seem to play out.

I learn what I can from wherever I find what seems to be an accurate reflection of reality.  It can be a line of movie dialogue:  "We accept the love we think we deserve;" a song lyric: "if you love somebody, set them free;"  a teaching from a book:  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you;" an out of context quote: "You never change things by fighting the existing reality.  To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete."   Anything is a possible teacher.  Everything is a possible teacher.

In New Age thought systems, there's this idea of taking what resonates and leaving what does not.  It's what everyone does at every moment, but it's often used as an excuse for evading reality or catering to cognitive dissonance.  Avoidance does not help one expand the horizons of consciousness.  Denial is a hindrance to growth.  It can all be carefree, it really could, but there are shadows in our psyches that have to have the spotlight of our attention directed upon them before they can be truly cared for and integrated.

We are an integrated collection of countless beings who generally work as one.  From our cells, to our families, nations, galaxies and forever outward, each entity can be an agent of peaceful togetherness, joining with others to make something greater than themselves alone.  If the heart, lungs, or brain turned on one another in competition, everyone would lose.

This is why I hold love in such high regard.  It is that which unifies us, accepts, soothes, heals.  It is the fuel of creativity, that which frees us from our fear, the gravity that draws us together.

In Which Much Shifts in a Short Time

Now, this may sound a little woo-woo, but if you know me relatively well, you know that is where I dwell.  Leading up to the eclipse, it felt as though everything was getting faster:  time, expectation, restlessness.  The general feeling of "I've been waiting my entire life for this," swarmed up around me, boiling within.

Here we are, today, a moon and a day later, and things in my life are cycling into a new sort of dawn.  Meaningful people have fallen out of my life, concerns have dropped out of mind, and the sense of consciously trusting my heart and my intuition has never been so prominent.

Everything really seems as though it is for the best right now, regardless of how it will be in the future, regardless of how it was in the past.  It is all love.  I may see love differently than most, I understand, but when you recognize all beings as the same consciousness, flowing through perspectives, filters, stories of the perceived past or hopeful futures, you respect it.

The "other" person is you, not figuratively, not metaphorically, literally and completely you.  This lets you free them entirely from your own expectations and demands.  Recognizing them as an equal creator, as equally divine, their path as equally valid, lets you gift them with absolute freedom to be as they are without attachment or demand.

We are all.  There's only one of us.  The more time goes by, the more obvious this becomes to me, the greater the pervasion of this perspective on the surface of my awareness.  Now I recognize that attachments are fear based, because there can be no loss if you are all and all are you.  You can choose to be with those you love freely, and when they choose otherwise, you don't hold it against them because you recognize that they are choosing/creating their own experiences just as you are choosing/creating yours.

It really is geometry, shape, and tone.  It is all vibration.  We are everything simultaneously, but we focus our attention in such particular ways we perceive time and singular lines of that time.  But it is all love.  It is all you.  It is all me, free to experience anything at all.